Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.

(Ed: AaarrrrG! This is awful. I’ve been using WordPress software to create websites for many years. Today when I updated a whole new WordPress appeared. I don’t know how to make it work so today’s issue of the Coconut Telegraph will look. I don’t know how to format pictures or links. What a bummer. It took me years to learn the old WordPress. I can’t even get the text to stay within the lines. This is just awful to spring on me!)
[Key Deer Tongue Action] I don’t know if the orange juice made her tongue flap so wildly or if it was the vodka!
[Auto Pay] Never worry about any crap [except hacking], your oversight, bank delays, postal delays, bounced checks or any nonsense from any public utility – ever.  Your bill is paid on time, every time and you will never get a shitty mark (can’t say ‘black’ mark anymore) on your payment record – ever. Auto pay for your peace of mind. Be well, as life is good.

[“Preserving a key deer skull”] I think I remember someone using Elmer’s white glue to do such a thing a long time ago.

[Local Politics] District 2 has been handed the dirty end of the stick yet again.  Monroe County has not only gerrymandered district two to include the West end of Marathon but has also implemented at-large voting.  This assures that the Lower Keys will most likely never be represented by one of its own.Why in the heck is our District representative elected by the folks in Key Largo and Key West?  Not bad enough that for the last 20 years we have had a representative who has shown nothing but disdain for us. Now we have to go through the same thing for the next four years at least.  Our only hope now is if someone tries to enforce the rule stating that you must actually live in the district that you represent.  Unfortunately, the rules don’t seem to apply evenly through the ruling class.
[Gun Totin’ Annie] “My kind of gal.” YouTube: “As you may know, our Community Guidelines describe which content we allow – and don’t allow – on YouTube. Your video my kind of woman was flagged to us for review. Upon review, we’ve determined that it may not be suitable for all viewers and it has been placed behind an age restriction.
[Friday Joke] What is the fastest thing you know of?:  The first man answered, “A thought. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”The second man said, “A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”The third man offered, “Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

Turning to Ernest, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

The fourth and final man replied, “After hearing the other answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea. You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already pooped my pants.”

[Wiper Blades] Wouldn’t it be nice if wiper blade rubber was more durable. It starts to deteriorate in a couple of months and continues until you have to buy new wipers.  Just a month or two after buying them if you wipe a rag on the rubber it will be smeared with black rubber particles. You can’t tell me they don’t have a more durable rubber. Planned obsolescence.
[“Keys Energy making a quick buck”] If Keys Energy ever cut my power without proper notification and caused damage to my refrigeration, AC, and alarms, I would not sue them, but they sure would wish I did!
Radio Shack in the Winn Dixie Shopping center is finally open after a 15-month absence since Hurricane Irma took the roof off. Your locally-owned computer and cell phone repair shop is back in business!
[Friday Joke] A man in Ireland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing…….45 years of misery is enough”.

“Dad, what on earth are you talking about?” the son screams. “You’re acting ridiculous.”

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her”.

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell, they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this right away.”

She calls Ireland immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced from mom. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, do you hear me?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, “Done! They’re coming for Christmas, and they’re paying their own way.”

The Boot Key Harbor Lighted Boat Parade will be December 8 in Marathon

[“Preserving a key deer skull”] Clear fiberglass resin will darken over time. For boats, it is recommended to coat fiberglass resin with spar varnish, that will also darken over time. To keep parts attached, there is probably no better adhesive than Shoe-Goo, but don’t expect to make any later adjustments.
Does Winn Dixie’s Fuel Perks card get you a discount on gas? What kind?
Murphy’s Law is for boating vs the computer’s Law of Computers: “When Demonstrating Anything On A Computer, It Won’t Work”

Geminid meteors peak, and more can’t-miss sky shows in December. https://relay.nationalgeographic.com/proxy/distribution/public/amp/science/2018/11/geminid-meteors-peak-more-cant-miss-skywatching-shows-december

[“Tariffs hurting farmers”] Please when discussing the Trump China tariffs read your own source completely. China is not going to start buying American farmers’ crops immediately. They will discuss trade for the next 90 days and if they don’t agree the tariffs will increase from 10% to 25%. Facts cannot be changed to fit your wishes or cable channel.
[Friday Joke] Being an old airman, I joined the Senior Parachute Club. When I told my daughter she replied, “Are you nuts? You’re 80-years-old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I told her that I even had a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”“Oh man, am I in trouble,” I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!” The line went dead.

[Winn Dixie] Weekly ad. Link

[Female Genital Mutilation] Orgasms are nice, but religion says no! This is America, home of the free orgasm last time I checked. With female genital mutilation ban gone, we need new legislation to protect at-risk girls. 500,000 girls in the U.S. are at risk of female genital mutilation. With a ban on the practice struck down, we need new legislation to protect them.https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2018/12/04/female-genital-mutilation-ban-struck-down-federal-judge-barbaric-column/2155001002/ (Ed: I updated WordPress and it’s a whole new design software and I haven’t figured out to create a link yet, henceforth the long URL)
[1830 Conchs] “Yesterday while blowing a conch out of its shell (which is done by making a small hole in the upper part of the shell and putting a charge of powder in the fish, so it is blown entirely out, and the shell remains sweet) I burnt my right thumb considerably but this morning it is not at all painful.
[Pot Soon Come, Mon] Pot store in Key West. Link, but it directs you to Instagram.

[Gas] Greetings from Greenville SC. And yes, this is the actual price, no fuel perks either

[Reset Your Circadian Clock] “Eat all your food within ten hours.” Mice missing certain circadian clock genes are prone to obesity, but when they keep a tight eating schedule, they remain lean.
[Friday Joke] Two hunters Otis and Elmer got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness wherethey managed to bag two big bull moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.  The hunters objected strongly saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…and he had exactly the same airplane as yours.”Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.  However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down,

crashing in the wooded wilderness.  Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Otis and Elmer survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Otis asked, “Any idea where we are?”  Elmer replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

[The Ark] The woodpecker would have to go.

The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, December 8, 10 am at the senior center.  Hope to see you there. Full Menu > Ongoing Events
[Woman Rotarians Added] The Rotary Club of Key Largo installed four new members to its new Rotary Satellite Club of Key Largo Sunset on December 3 at Playa Largo Resort & Spa.Nicole Blanche, Melissa Lopez, Lourdes Montagne and Sarah Masterson join the 30 founding members of the new club officially chartered by Rotary International on October 4, 2018.

“Eight out of 10 Rotarians worldwide are men. So, it’s remarkable that we have 26 women in our new club of 34 members,” said Key Largo Rotary president Jennifer McComb.  Rotary International was founded in 1905, but women were not permitted to join Rotary clubs until 1989, after the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that women could not be excluded from membership.

The main Rotary Club of Key Largo, chartered in 1990, meets for breakfast every Wednesday morning. For more information, visit KeyLargoRotary.org

[Politically Correct] When I said I’ll bring home the bacon, or I’d have to grab the bull by the horns, or perhaps said, the early bird gets the worm, I was guilty of racism. I realized that by being an old white male I must be a raciest, but after being informed by PETA that using phrases against animals, that cinched it. I’m sure that I’m now officially a racist.

[They Shall Not Grow Old] Peter Jackson directed this documentary where he and his team of digital wizards restored 100-year old WWI footage and audio. It’s only going to play in theaters two nights nationwide. Dec 17 and Dec 27. It’s important for the new generation to see this movie as there is nobody alive from WWI. It’s our history.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrabKK9Bhds