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The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-Coconuts The Original Unsocial Media. Anonymous Letters to the Editor with Pictures. Published Daily by Noon Since 2002. No Saturday Edition

Congratulations to Growing Hope Initiative on their wonderful Sunflower Festival at Grimal Grove on Big Pine Key. The music was exceptional, and everyone brought delicious food to share. It was a very enjoyable evening. This property is nothing short of a treasure, with rare fruit trees and the potential for our having a laid-back, natural area to enjoy for generations to come.

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Monroe county will no longer hire those who smoke. Smokers will be fined $50 a month and those lying about it will be fined $50 too. They say smokers cost the County $753 a year in lost work time and other health and benefit impacts.

[Fat Cats Against a Living Wage] Is there anything more enraging than the ugly spectacle of Senate millionaires and lobbyists – a broad coalition “from the rich to the very rich to the super-rich” – ganging up to defeat a minimum wage raise supported by the majority of the American people, aka the people they ostensibly represent? Seattle helped ease the pain a bit with a phased-in deal to raise its minimum wage to $15 an hour over a few years, proving MLK was right again about that arc of the moral universe.

[Friday Joke] A man from Kuala Lumpur tells his wife that he has a business appointment in Beijing for the weekend. He informs her that he will fly on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370. Now he’s been stuck for 5 weeks in his girlfriend’s house and doesn’t have the faintest idea how to go home.

I’m so very proud to be a part of the most wonderful family of friends I have ever known. To be honored with my picture on the wall of Sloppy Joe’s will bring pride to my family and myself beyond measure. It is most appreciated. ~Roy Boy

North Vietnam most certainly did have an Air Force. They used it to shoot down hundreds of US aircraft, mostly with the vaunted MIG 21. Where did you learn your history?

[“Danny Dolphin”] You should know better, dolphin and porpoise are different animals. They are differentiated by tooth shape among other traits. Conical in porpoise (a) as opposed to blade shaped in dolphin (b). Most local mammals are dolphin. Porpoise are mainly found in cooler waters (to over simplify).

The Island of Key Largo Federation of Homeowner Association’s will hold a General Membership Meeting, at the Key Largo Library Community Room in the Trade Winds Shopping Plaza. (MM 101.2 OS) on Wednesday May 14. The meeting is open to the public.Guest speaker for the evening (6:15 pm) will be Kirk Hoosac, R.L.A. Mr. Hoosac is the District Landscape Architect State of Florida Department of Transportation – District VI Consultant.Community items on the agenda: Mooring Fields in Buttonwood Bay; Clean up Key Largo.

Fresh baked cookies and refreshments are free and will be available. For more information Events

[Facts Corrected] Exxon Oil profits are not $106 billion. Their revenues are $106 billion for the quarter. Their profits are $9 billion. Profit are roughly 8 1/2% of revenues. GE’s revenues were $36 billion and they had a profit of 3.3 billion. Thats 9.2%.The change from incandescent to modern bulbs forces us to buy shitty light bulbs from GE and their profit, as a percent of sales, is much higher.

Does anyone know if fireworks are planned this year at the Big Pine Park on the 4th of July?

Wanted. The Key West Botanical Garden Society on Stock Island is seeking volunteers for help in the Visitor Center. No experience necessary and training provided. Volunteer hours apply toward Community Service hours for students, City, County and State Programs. Contact … Classified Ads > Wanted

[Havana Cigar Factory] The Rolling Room. Over a hundred “rollers” work daily to produce cigars. Only the best and most experienced roll the prime brands (Cohiba, Monet Cristo, Partagas) and may take years to reach that point. A “reader” sits high in one corner reading the newspaper to entertain the workers.

[Common Core] There is a battle royal being waged across the nation about a set of national academic standards called the Common Core. On one side, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan has warned that the future of the nation depends on these standards. Billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates has spent hundreds of millions of dollars to pay for writing them, evaluating them, and promoting them, and even handed out millions more to education organizations (including the teachers’ unions) to advocate for them. On the other side are grassroots groups of parents, teachers, and principals who say the standards were written in stealth, imposed by the lure of federal billions, and implemented too rapidly. All testing must be done online, so the standards are a bonanza for the testing industry, the hardware industry, and the software industry. But the mass media mostly ignored the controversy until comedian Louis C.K. tweeted that his daughters used to love math, and now she hates it.

[Friday Joke] The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?’ The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.”What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

“You dumber than I thought. It means someone stole the tent.”

[Clean Up] Come help FAVOR (Friends and Volunteers of the Refuges) clean up Big Pine Key! Tomorrow, Saturday May 3 from 8am-11am. We’ll meet at the Key Deer Refuge office in the Winn Dixie Plaza. Bring your reusable water bottle and come make a difference in your community! For more information call Robert at 305-849-7484.

Is there any truth to the rumor that when Cuba opens to everyone, it will become the gay capital of the world? What about Alaska and Dubai?

A cheerful Hello From Springer’s Bar & Grill. The news is in. Springer went crazy – Ese tío está loco! – Der ist verrueckt!

Happy Hour 2 pm – 7 pm all week long!

Tuesdays: $10 Pizza – That means any Pizza on our menu or build your own with 2 toppings (No take-out)
Wednesdays: Kids eat for FREE when accompanied by paying adults. Kids must be 12 years or under (No take-out)
Friday: Karaoke Night
Cornhole: Sign up for Cornhole Co-ed League now! This is our 4th season and starts May 15th.

31251 Avenue A, Downtown Big Pine Key, 305-872-3022,www.springersbar.com

How many people have died at the Sugarloaf School light?

[Bitch Festival] Well, being a man I naturally assumed it was a 24/7/365 thing. Of course a woman told me how wrong I was and pointed this out to me.

[Reusable Bag Training Plan]
* First and foremost, embrace the idea wholeheartedly! You are giving back by helping the environment, our oceans, and human health.
* Sell your associates on the big picture of why a reusable bag is so important.
* Remove the plastic bag carousels and create a bag-loading workspace with your own reusable bags (and recyclable paper bags) underneath or readily at-hand.
* Post signs that prompt your customers to place their reusable bags on the conveyor belt first. This way, your check-out personnel have the bags before the merchandise.
* Train your customers also to organize their cart and place heavy items, fresh meat or produce together, preferably first, on the check-out counter.
* Train each cashier or bagger exactly how to hold the reusable bag and which items should go into the bag first. With a little practice, your check-out personnel will become proficient.
* In many instances, your customer will want to pack their own bags. Be prepared for this so as to not allow a slow-down in getting other customers checked-out and on their way. Create a ‘customer packing area’ and simply put the merchandise back into the shopping cart once it is charged to the bill. After paying, the customer pushes the cart to the ‘customer packing area’ and packs their bags the way he/she wants them packed.
* Keep sanitizer at the check-out stand and teach personnel to frequently sanitize the check-out stand and their hands. You should already be doing this.Do what you need to do and not what you want to do. I know that old habits are hard to break. This is true of the very customer you are serving, too. They are having to get used to using reusable bags and you are having to get use to packing them. But remember, this is a win-win situation and could actually bolster your business if done right. Thanks to all of our local merchants who encourage and to everyone who uses reusable bags.

Thursday’s FTR was the best ever!

The FTR guy’s logo seems ass backwards because if you are turning Right you are coming from the Left. If you are coming from the Right then the arrow should be point to the Left. But of course it depends on the mentality viewing it. Must be a blonde thingy.

I have been a patron of Looe Key Tiki bar for over 20 years and there has been a lot of changes. Some of the recent changes that were done without proper permits and engineered drawings has me concerned. The rafters of the thatched roof have been rotting away from termites and weather. There is evidence on the bar of this occurring. This is concerning because the new owners have added more stress on them by installing 10 large televisions and a lot of lumber to mount the televisions. That is major concern and makes you wonder who will be injured when it falls? ~gasmaneyw@att.net

I have never understood prejudice. We are all humans and should treat each other with respect.

An ID1OT Error is a somewhat sarcastic reference to a common computer error or problem caused by a user who had no idea what they were doing, and will most likely not admit to being the cause of.The most ID1OT errors seem to come from the Lower Florida Keys, for some unknown reason.

[FIRM’S Call For Leadership] The Board of Directors of Fair Insurance Rates in Monroe (FIRM) is now accepting nominations of individuals interested in serving on their Board of Directors.FIRM, a grassroots organization formed in February, 2006 is comprised of homeowners and residents who are united to fight against excessive discriminatory and unaffordable residential, condominium and commercial property insurance rates.This is a very dynamic Board with active Legislative, Fundraising, Policyholder and Media/Communications Committees. Board member responsibilities include monthly Board Meetings and energetic participation in Committee work. Middle and Upper Keys residents are encouraged to submit their interest as meetings can be attended by teleconference.

We have a limited number of open seats. Please send letter of interest and resume to FIRM / 422 Fleming Street / Key West, FL 33040 or electronically to firmkeys@gmail.com by 15 May 2014, 5:00 pm.

[Friday Joke] A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant from the local air base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll take a maintenance monkey, please.”The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the CMSgt, saying, “That’ll be $5,000.” The C/MSgt paid and left with the monkey.Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that’s a maintenance monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AF CDC test; perform the duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It’s well worth the money. The man spotted a monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one is a “Maintenance Supervisor” monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed,” replied the shopkeeper.

The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, “$50,000.” The shocked tourist exclaimed, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does it do?”

“Well, I’ve never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he’s a helicopter pilot who worked for the Monroe County Florida Mosquito Control Department before joining the Air Force!”

Def: Redneck, A subspecies of humanity who, if turned into bait, would make sharks puke.

The present Perry Court development is to be razed and a new residential enclave built, mostly on the kinda high end of the money scale.Teri joined Mayor Craig Cates and City Commissioners Jimmy Weekley, Billy Wardlow and Tony Yaniz in keeping Angela Street and the old fence running between Angela Street and the old Peary Court like they are. Commissioner Teri Johnston said, the reason the city planning department (Don Craig) and the city’s architectural review board (HARC) are so determined to integrate Peary Court into Angela Street and the Meadows dates back to Truman Annex being developed as a gated community, which then led to a lot of problems for the city. They understandably don’t want another gated community in Key West.

How many people have died at the light at US1 and Crane Boulevard? (From accidents, not boredom–haha)

[Priviledge] How come Cadillacs, Mercedes Benz and BMWs get to go faster than the rest of us, and give us dirty looks if we are in their way?

Yard Sale. Big Pine Key. Palm Ave, Eden Pines. Restaurant goods, plants, orchids, plumeria, roofing shingles, sports cards, household goods, lawn and garden Saturday 5/03 8-12

Finally, as reported in The Blue Paper, the Eimers murder is getting national attention from the media. Maybe now the truth will be discovered and reported. Now the whole country might even find out about Key West, the city commission, Donnie Lee and his jack-booted storm troopers.

[Friday Joke?] What do you call a female dictator besides bitch? That’s a type-o. It should be decorator!
DEF: Dictator n, A person with server insanity who needs to control herds of sheeple.
DEF: Decorator n, A useless female who splatters paint until she likes it and makes you pay for it. Also see: Real Estate Agent n, A homebody who is inept at her duties and sells property to idiots.

[Captain Doom and Gloom] “Average grinder pump lifespan is 8 to 10 years” DEF: Average. A calculation ranging from 0 to 100% on a given. The term is a falsehood being not inclusive of factual data or outside influences. The Grinder Pump average life span is from 0 if you never turn it on, to whenever it crashes 100%. All mechanical apparatuses cannot be guaranteed to operate under all conditions, especially in the salty environment of the Florida Keys. DEF: Profiteering … never mind!

[Food] Two guys were talking in a bar about how there are never any cats, iguanas, or stray dogs within a quarter mile of any Chinese restaurant. I told them they were wrong, but come to think about it … hummm?

National politics is back. Click on this link to send your national political post anonymously. No one will know your name or email address, [Well, maybe the NSA will] not even me. FTR is going to be the new national politics editor. Do not fear, FTR promised to post everything, even if he hates it, he’s that kind of guy.
Your name and email address are not required. Please be civil. I Have Something To Say About National Politics–Click Here

If Hillary gets elected, who will sit in the Big Chair first, her or Billy?

America is not in decline, it is merely inching closer and closer to that utopian state described ad-nauseum by the hordes of low information citizens who in their constant bewildered state of mind believe the mush put forth daily by the likes of our frothing left of the aisle politicos that all will be made right when we get rid of our greedy rich class and spread our money among the poor so their wretched lives will be worth living, as so many of them have already accepted the theory being espoused that only work that inspires them has any real meaning and are perfectly content to wait for the opportunity to be suitably inspired before partaking of any job,.in the meantime they are perfectly content with their food stamps and gimmees to wait till their full Utopian state of being arrives.

Every day the world is changing, the balance of power shifts like the sands of the Sahara. You and I should pay very careful attention to these shifts. Of late, we seem to be regressing back to the bad old days of The Soviet Union and its seemingly insatiable appetite for world dominance. The USA is rapidly losing or already has, lost its preeminence as the world’s dominant power. Our current leadership seems obsessed with surrendering that perch.

Our current leadership has set out on a course that seems specifically designed to diminish the USA’s world standing. We have insulted and denigrated our allies. We have abandoned our obligations to defend our allies.

One current example is Ukraine. At one time Ukraine was a nuclear power, in fact it in ’91 it had the 3rd largest stock pile of nukes in the world. They agreed to surrender or rid themselves of all of those weapons on the condition that we would protect them. Now, we have reneged on that promise, we have once again failed to keep our word. They are being overrun by Russia. Putin is dead set on resurrecting the Soviet Union.

Please consider that yesterday Russia celebrated May Day with its first joyful parade across Red Square since the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, as President Vladimir Putin basked in a surge of patriotism over Crimea’s annexation.

Putin has already overrun Crimea and will soon overrun Ukraine. Obama will not have the stones to hinder him in any way except meaningless pinprick sanctions.

Putin’s lust for Lebensraum, like Hitler’s holds no bounds. A close associate of Putin, while speaking to the Swedish newspaper Svenska Dagbladet, Andrej Illarionov made it clear that Putin sees any territories that were formerly Russian or Soviet as territories that Russia ought to expand into. Illarionov served as Putin’s economic adviser between 2000-2005.

Finland was a part of the former Russian Empire up until 1917 when it was granted total autonomy. However, according to Illarionov, it is Putin’s belief that Finland is rightfully Russian, and the granting of its independence was an act of treason. As such, Illarionov claims that Putin will move into Finland to retake it, and he is poised to do so soon.

We promised Poland that we would protect them and install anti-ballistic missiles. Our current leadership reneged on that promise. The misses were never installed because we did not wish to antagonize the Russians.

Our current administration caved to Russia by unilaterally gutting our nuclear capabilities. They have reduced the launch capabilities of our Minuteman lll fleet to its lowest level since 1962.

Israel is one of our oldest and strongest allies, yet we seem to be doing all in our power to cede their nation to their enemies. We accuse them of practicing apartheid. We engage in massive spying operations on our allies. We even have even “bugged” the phones of Angela Merkel, Germany’s PM, one of our staunchest allies. Why?

Part 2) The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing. Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:

1. America is capitalist and greedy – yet half of the population is subsidized.

2. Half of the population is subsidized – yet they think they are victims.

3. They think they are victims – yet their representatives run the government.

4. Their representatives run the government – yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep getting poorer – yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about -yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Think about it! And that, Deer Friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.

Makes you wonder who is doing the math.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of ourcurrent government and cultural environment:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works. And here’s another one worth considering…

2. It seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps

running out of money? What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t. Think about it…..

and Last but not least,

3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.

PS: Another lesser known definition of the word conundrum is: a congressional leader incased in a condom; also, a Latin derivative meaning “dick head”…

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