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2018 April

Friday, April 6, 2018

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsLetters to the editor with pictures since 0202. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.​​

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[Hurricane Water] Store 1 gallon per day per person. The length of time you want to plan for is up to you. FEMA recommends a two-week supply for each person. When you consider all water use- flushing, showers, hand- washing, dishes, laundry, teeth brushing and out- door watering—that’s a lot less water than we typically use daily.

The U.S. Geological Survey estimates that we use an average of 80 to 100 gallons of water per day per person.

Johnsons-7.7.16
[Light Pollution] Cities are putting up LED streetlights to save money, but they can have some nasty side effects such as light pollution and glare. Also, if they have the wrong fixtures, they can ruin the night sky and negatively impact newly hatched sea turtles.  I know our illustrious leaders want to be given credit for being green and saving energy, but I hope they do their research before they pepper the Keys with LED streetlights.

[Clean Up] Monroe County Public Works/Solid Waste Dept. will remove collected debris, at no charge. This is an opportunity to pick up Irma-related storm debris left behind by contractors. Port Pine Heights Property Owners Association will supply trash bags, water and information at the Community Park at 9 a.m. on Saturday.  Bring gloves, sunscreen, rakes, shovels, wheelbarrows, whatever you may need. Call Barbara Hormuth at 305-872-9647 with any questions

[“Keys homes for locals only”] Wow. What a butt-hurt you’ve got going. How would visitors cope if there were no year-round residents? Don’t know. Who cares? Ridiculous hypothetical questions avail us nothing.

 

 

What’s your mood?

[Friday Joke] I asked the FKAA how to filter my tap water to make it taste better. They said to sauté it for 24 hours then bake it at 345° for 2 hours and serve with a good ice tea mix.
[Friday Joke] On the lighter side from Coconuts to you. A Japanese Doctor Kensuke can’t find a job in a hospital in the Miami area, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside ‘Get treatment for 30 dollars – If not cured get back 150 dollars.’ A vigilant American lawyer Steve thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 150 dollars and goes to the clinic. Steve: ‘I have lost my sense of taste.’ Kensuke: ‘Nurse, please bring my special medicine from box No. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’ Steve: ‘Ugwh. this is kerosene.’ Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. 30 dollars please.’ The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Steve: ‘I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.’ Kensuke: ‘Nurse, please bring my special medicine from box no. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’ Steve (mad): ‘This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.’ Kensuke: ‘Congratulations. You got your memory back. 30 dollars please.’ The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back 150 dollars. Steve: ‘My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.’ Kensuke: ‘Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this 150 dollars.’ Steve (staring at the banknotes): ‘But this is 30 dollars, not 150!’ Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your eyesight is fixed. Give me back 30 dollars which I gave to you and 30 dollars more please.’
[Friday Joke] After my recent prostate exam, which was the most thorough I’ve ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked, “Who was that guy?”
Civics was a class that you used to be required before you could graduate from high school.  You were taught what was in the U.S. Constitution.  And after all the student rebellions in the ‘60s, civics was banished from the student curriculum and was replaced by something called social studies.  Here we live in a country that has a fabulous constitution and all these guarantees, a contract between the citizens and the government — nobody knows what’s in it.  It’s one of the best kept secrets.  And so, if you don’t know what your rights are, how can you stand up for them?  ~Frank Zappa
[Friday Joke] A married couple, both 60 yrs old are celebrating their 35th anniversary. A fairy appears and grants each one a wish. The wife wants to travel the world.
*Poof* Tickets for a world cruise.
The husband wants a wife 30 years younger. *Poof* He was 90!
Bay Jam Music Fest is taking place April 8 in Islamorada. Video
[Friday Joke] How do court stenographers keep a straight face?  These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people  actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court  reporters who had the torment of staying straight-faced while the exchanges  were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.  ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he  doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20. Very close to your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?  WITNESS: Getting laid.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?  WITNESS: Yes.  ATTORNEY: How many were boys?  WITNESS: None.  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?  WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?  WITNESS: By death.  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?  WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral
Your president’s nickname in Ecuador is “Spanky”

 

 

[Marine Theft] Protect your boat and motor.

The wife will always have the last word in any argument.  Anything her husband says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
[Free Cookies] [Winn Dixie] Weekly ad. Link
[Burning Blasphemers] Frederic himself. in rebellion against the pontiff’s temporal sway, was to feel the lash of excommunication. After his reconciliation with the Pope he renewed the constitution of 1224, adding a provision concerning blasphemers, who, in common with heretics of whatever sect, should suffer death by fire. If the Inquisitor should desire to save any such, this could only be done subject to the offender’s being deprived of his tongue, so that never again should he blaspheme God.
[Scary World] Why are people convinced that the world is more frightening than it really is? Hans Rosling thinks he has the answer. Audio
[Friday Joke] I was eating breakfast with my teenage Granddaughter and I asked her,
“What special day is it tomorrow?” .
Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s U.S. Congressman’s Day!”
She’s smart, so I asked her “What does that mean?” I was not ready for what she was about to say.
She replied, ” U.S. Congressman’s Day is when they step out
of the Capital Building and see their shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose. I didn’t know they had a special day for this.

 

 

[Gorilla] It took me a few seconds to realize this wasn’t a picture of a gorilla walking on the beach with a hat coming out his butt.

Your best teacher, is your last mistake.
Isaksen-2.2016
[Religion] Easter has passed, and it is amazing how many people have been hoodwinked into this religious myth by con men who have been doing this for fun and profit for 5000 years. No matter what system of so-called belief you are hypnotized by, they all are there to make money, to control you and bend your brain. Wake up and get logical, sane and see reality!

 

[Key West Orchid Society] You don’t have to be a member to attend our meetings, or even to join our trip to the Redland International Orchid Festival on Friday, May 18. orchid-April-2018

[Irma Suicides] Housing instability has slowly been emerging as a stronger predictor of suicide than income, employment, or education.  People at risk for suicide are more likely to be renters, according to Summer DeBastiani, PhD(c), MPH, RN, from the University of Miami.  Especially after Irma destroyed up to 25% of the housing in the Florida Keys, particularly low income housing, assessing the mental health of residents experiencing housing instability is more important than ever.

Recognizing this, United Way of the Florida Keys is helping provide mental health support services to those who are struggling emotionally in the aftermath of Hurricane Irma.  They are pleased to announce a total of $90,000 in funding to 2 local agencies to provide psychosocial support:  Florida Keys Healthy Start Coalition will be offering Save the Children’s Journey of Hope program to help local children and Guidance Care Center will provide individual counselling to adults who are uninsured or underinsured.

Unless residents are aware that help is available, this funding will be fruitless.  Please help publicize this opportunity for assistance to those who are suffering emotionally due to Irma.

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