The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsLetters to the editor with pictures since 0202. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.​​​​

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[Restaurant Review] The Bucktooth Rooster, next to the Big Pine Post Office, has a new owner and the food is better than ever.

Their signature dish is the classic Rueben sandwich, and no one does it better. They are the only people in the Keys who roast their own corned beef and then slice it to order so it doesn’t dry out. What a difference than that dried out, refrigerator-tasting lunchmeat that most restaurants down here serve. The Rooster’s corned beef is shredded and as juicy as can be. Yum. Another thing that impressed me was the rye bread. The quality was very good, and the biggest thing is that it wasn’t greasy (I had a Reuben once that I was able to squeeze the bread and get a lot of oil on the plate). This seeded rye was perfectly buttered and grilled. The sandwich comes with about a hundred pounds of Texas fries that were crispy outside and soft, but not grainy, on the inside. A new addition that I hope they will keep is the potato salad. That was one of the best I’ve had. Sour cream and potato cubes with the skins on, tons of bacon and chives. I think they were chives, I ate it all before I could check out all the ingredients. A nice crunchy dill pickle spear accompanied the whole mess. I eat as much as a pig, but I couldn’t finish my plate. It doesn’t get any better than this. I even took a picture of it and felt like a tourist.

 

 

 

[Name That Bug] We finally found what was eating our flowers. Can anyone identify this grasshopper? I want to find more about it, so I can better control it without having to squish them, they’re pretty big. There’s not too many of them–yet. They just appeared this last month or so. We never had them before.

[Sewers Increase Development] In case you still believe that central sewers went in to protect ocean water quality instead of to facilitate high density development, check out this tally of new development in Marathon by August 2015 once their central sewers were operational:
Hyatt: 125 rooms
Florida Keys Country Club: 15 cottages & a boutique hotel of 60-65 rooms
Courtyard by Marriot: 95 rooms
Holiday Inn Express: 87-room expansion to their 134 rooms
Sombrero Beach Road: 18 4-bedroom duplexes
Knights Key: 199 resort units plus 37 employee apartments
Tarpon Harbour: 60 2-bedroom units plus 44 3-bedroom units

That is over a thousand hotel and resort units that each use more water than a typical home, and probably displaced a lower income worker from their residence in the process. Tarpon Harbour is intended more for snowbirds, with 7- to 12-month leases.
And all the while that these developments were underway, Marathon was operating their wastewater treatment plants under DEP Consent Orders because they were inadequate and had to bypass filters to dump the partially treated effluent down shallow wells to the Marine Sanctuary waters.
Way to go Marathon. I wonder why your nearshore waters went so nasty right after central sewers went in? And now we have one of their City Commissioners attempting to swap seats with our Lower Keys sell-out County Commissioner. Maybe Big Pine will see high density development too, and they can pump even more raw sewage into Niles Channel through that leaking forcemain pipe.

 

 

Scientist’s premature ejaculation treatment can’t come quickly enough. Link

[“Guilty until proven Innocent”] I was very dismayed by the story of heartless inconsideration of Paradise Burgers to an elderly lady in medical distress.  Consequently, I will temporarily suspend my business with them and go elsewhere until both sides of this story can be told, and the truth will out.

Please folks, remember where you are. Florida–God’s waiting room.  We have more senior citizens here than any other state in the union.  And in case you’re in denial, we’re all dying, we will all be senior citizens one day if we’re lucky. As one ages the body diminishes, speed and capability are lost, mental clarity is impaired, but the tenderness of the heart prevails and can be injured by shallow unthinking individuals.

Also know that those with diabetics can be presented as ‘drunk’ when they’re in an insulin crisis, so before you bark & bite, look & think.  Does this person need help?  Is this a medical crisis?

Remember, there but for the grace of God go I.   You too will have your day, live today compassionately, and perhaps karma won’t bite you in the ass when you’re down.  Of all the things you can be in this life, be  kind! Where did the “Keys Strong” sense of community and caring go?  What? It’s been a year so now we’re back to “Screw you?” Sad.

 

I was given this $63 dollar of rum made in Key West on Christmas of 2015. It tasted like acid with a terrible, sticky sweet aftertaste that lingered for far too long. No one at dinner could drink it. Every now and then I would try it on guests, none of them could finish their shots it was burned so badly. It burned like acid. Last week I was going to try it one last time before throwing it out. Maybe age mellowed it out? after all, throwing out $63 dollars worth of booze is a big sin in my church. At the bottom of the bottle was a thick, dark, ghostly substance that put the fear of Bacchus in me. Out with the garbage (boy, that hurt!). Just because booze or beer is made locally doesn’t mean it’s any good, probably just the opposite.

[Wounds Cause in Daytime Heal Faster] Wounds caused in the daytime heal 60% faster than the same types of wounds when sustained at night. It has something to do with our circadian clocks. Link

 

 

 

 

[Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store] Our story in 4 minutes… Video

[Friday Joke] I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, bragging about his highly paid job and his expensive sports car. Then he showed me a picture of his wife on his phone and said to me, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I replied, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.” He asked, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician!”
[The Whiskey Cure] Get ready for cold season. Northerners are bringing their germs to the Keys If you feel scratchiness in your throat, the BEST remedy is to gargle as long as you can with straight whisky before swallowing.  It kills all of the germs in your throat and might adjust your attitude.

 

 

 

 

Varieties of squash & how to cook them. Do you know what vegetable is actually two vegetables? A pumpkin. Throw a pumpkin in the air and it comes down squash.

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
[Ignorance] It is, thank heaven, difficult if not impossible for the modern European to fully appreciate the force which fanaticism exercises among an ignorant, warlike and Oriental population. ~Winston Churchill 1897 Afghanistan
[“No climate change? 90 scientists beg to differ”] Of course the climate is changing.  It has since the earth was formed and it will continue to do so long after we are gone.  Can we prevent change by giving money and control to the UN?  No, of course not, but there seem to be way too many gullible people out there that believe that to be true. Besides, according to Beth Ramsay-Vickrey she’s already taken care of it by bringing grid power to NNK.
[Melatonin] Those hours after 3:00 a.m. when humans are at their most slow-witted. At that hour, our levels of the sleep hormone melatonin are elevated, our digestion is at its slowest, and our body temperature and blood pressure are at their lowest. Film director Ingmar Bergman called it “the hour when most people die, when sleep is deepest, when nightmares are most real. It is the hour when the sleepless are haunted by their deepest fear, when ghosts and demons are at their most powerful.”

 

 

 

When I look at a Peter Max painting I still get high!

[Friday Joke] The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced. “Frank was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Frank.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

[“High cost of junk food”] It’s not just the Keys. Junk food is high profit food. Ever price a bag of potato chips? A big bag–8 ounces is almost $4. You can buy quality meat for $8 per pound. An even bigger rip off is bottled water, especially the brands owned by the Swiss company Nestle
[Mosquitoes in 1900 along Nile River] With the approach of twilight comes the mosquito, strident- voiced and fever-bearing; and the most thorough precautions have to be taken against him and other insect dangers. We dine in a large mosquito-house made entirely of fine gauze, and about twelve feet cubically. The bedding, which should if possible be packed in tin boxes, is unrolled during the day, and carefully protected by mosquito-nets well tucked in, against all forms of vermin. Every one puts on mosquito-boots—long, soft, leather leggings, reaching to the hips. You are recommended not to sit on cane-bottomed chairs with- out putting a newspaper or a cushion on them, to wear a cap, a scarf, and possibly gloves, and to carry a swishing mosquito-trap. Thus one moves, comparatively secure, amid a chorus of ferocious buzzings. To these precautions are added others. You must never walk bare- foot on the floor, no matter how clean it is, or an odious worm, called a “jigger,” will enter your foot to raise a numerous family and a painful swelling. On the other hand, be sure when you put on boots or shoes that, however hurried, you turn them upside down and look inside, lest a scorpion, a small snake, or a perfectly frightful kind of centipede may be lying in ambush. Never throw your clothes carelessly upon the ground, but put them away at once in a tin box, and shut it tight, or a perfect colony of fierce-biting creatures will beset them.
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Imagine a primitive society coming across a cylinder on a rock and when you said, “Siri, how do I make fire?” the cylinder would reply with the answer. They would certainly think it must be God! I still do.

 

[The Brain] Read this sentence and count the number of F’s. There’s no trick, we’re just dumb. Quiz

[“Glenn Reber”] I saw him a couple of years ago in the licensing office on BPK. He was with a woman and he looked disheveled, they both did.

 

 

I saw this rare photo of wild dolphins all porpoising at the same time.

[Friday Jokes] You seemed to be a bit lacking in humor recently (imagine that with our recent politics and general international upheaval) so thought I’d send a couple. We adore your posts!

  1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night
  5. 5.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
  10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
  12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  15.  When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

 

Vote for Beth!

[The Cabernet Sauvignon Cure] Excellent medical advice. I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception! Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? Do you sometimes feel stressed? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon Cure.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who would not mind nursing; or becoming pregnant, are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Warnings: The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

[“Guilty Until Proven Innocent”] Better call Sal. If the sick woman is capable to understand her situation, she could sue everybody for slander, unauthorized medical analyst, false arrest, incompetent arrest, and 100 other fun things. But she is in the Keys right? That ends that or if some super lawyer wants to retire early, takes the case.

 

Not to brag, but I skipped my mid-life crisis and went straight to cranky old man.

Best posts in months![?]
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